


And I'll Be Gone, Gone Tonight

by dr3amland



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fluff, Js, M/M, Self Harm, this could trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr3amland/pseuds/dr3amland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>His fingers skimmed the pale cluttered arm, his nose breathing softly on the stripes of red, "You are beautiful, absolutly beautiful."<i></i></i><br/>or the one where Zayn doesn't want Niall to cut on Christmas</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I'll Be Gone, Gone Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> yes i know this is christmasy yet its not even halloween yet (ok its christmasy at the end for like 2 sentences plus it was 3 in the morning when i wrote this on a school night so like my words may be a little whack spelled but if you see any make sure to let me know in the comments please & this isn't my best i deeply apologize
> 
> -kudos and comments are very well apretiated (◠‿◠✿) 
> 
> (oh and suggest stuff like what to write next too)
> 
> oh and the song is from story of my life

 

  


Niall sighed in relief as the metal broke his pale skin once more, adding to the cluttered collection. But he didn't really care because it was winter and he could wear all the sweaters and jackets he wanted without looking obvious, so he took advantage of the cold, bitter season. The wrists gave him more satisfaction than his sides and thighes.

He knew it was wrong but it felt _so_ right to him, it was like a necessity for him to do everyday. It relaxed him, it comforted him. And it was something he could actually _feel_ and _control._

He wasn't one to cry while doing this, he just stared at the trickling red liquid with blank eyes and a hollow heart and a numb mind. He scanned the zebra print like scars that cluttered his thighs, stomach, and wrists and maybe he did frown at that.

But its not like anyone cared, no one would. And even if they did, it would be souly out of pity. Niall didn't even tell anyone about it because he didn't want attention and he definatly didn't want those _looks_ that people like him get.

-x-

"What are you doing this holiday season?" Asked Louis as he slid across the counter. 

"Probably'll just stay in, you?" Niall sighed

"Liam and I are thinking about going to California, heard it doesn't even snow." Louis smilled as he continued on.

Niall didn't really bother listening to Louis go on and on about his plans with Liam and their perfect relationship, he'd rather clean the blenders and wipe the counters then listen to him gush about Liam. it's not that Niall doesn't like Liam, hes Louis favorite boyfriend by far, he just doesn't want to hear about they're bedroom adventures from the other night.

The door bell jingled in the small coffee shop and Niall was almost speechless as the mysterious boy walked in.

From the tip of his quiff to the bottoms of his Dr.Martins, Niall was already intregued. He had raven black hair and big amber eyes and a pouty mouth and some ace bone structure and just an overall really fucking nice face. He didn't even have to dress up to look good, because all he was wearing was a grey tee shirt and black skin tight jeans and Niall was forcing himself to not let his mind wander to the what ifs that were underneath his clothing. The tatoos captivated Niall's attention and all he wanted to do was find out the story behind his inked up arm (and what seemed to be wings poking out of the top of his shirt.

To say Niall wanted him was an understatment.

"Move you big oaf, theres a customer and I really don't think they want your fat ass all over the counter," Niall joked as he pushed Louis off.

"You know you love my ass," and he pranced off, making sure to accentuate his hips as he walked away.

"Actually I don't," Niall sniggered and Louis shot a "Thats not what you said last night" over his shoulders as he continued to sway his hips.

Niall heard a small cough, and for some odd reason, he wanted to lock that little cough in a jar and listen to it when he was bord at home or something. 

"Oh, sorry mate, what can I get you?" Niall asked, face clearly flushed with a small smile.

"U-uh, just a um, a" Zayn stammered, (Niall also would like to lock that inside a jar too) "Just a coffee, no a tea. Yeah just a tea," Zayn looked at the floor with a red face. 

Niall thought he would be one that would be cocky and confident but he was proven wrong, he stumbled on words with his exotic and almost incoherant accent and Niall wanted to also lock in a jar.

"Any idea what kind?"

"Oh, um, I don't know. Whats good?" Zayn paused, but when Niall went to speak he held his hand up, "Just, could you fix it for me? Please"

Niall nodded, "Name please?" He asked as he went to grab a cup and a marker to scribble his name.

"Zayn"

-x-

Zayn ended up being a normal customer at the coffee shop to the point where he didn't stumble on words or look at the floor or attempt small talk. He actually would stay there for hours and hours until the shop closed and Niall had to lock up. He even talked to Louis a lot too. He also didn't even have to be asked what he wanted, Niall or Louis would shout a friendly "Hey, Z" and make him his tea. (but hed never tell Louis that his tea is no where near the taste of Niall's)

Zayn ignored the warmth in his chest when he saw Niall working at the cash register instead of Louis because yeah, he missed Niall's tea and Nialls eyes and Niall's smile and Niall's voice and just Niall overall.

In his mind, he woul've gone up to the counter, kissed Niall hello and then wait until his shift was over, and take him home. 

He wasn't even going to let his mind wander to having Niall undernaeth him, withering and coming undone with his name slipping past his lips. No he would not.

Instead, Niall said a small "Hey, Z" with a small smile instead of his cheery smile and Zayn knows somethings wrong and he wishes it were a perfect world so that he could just kiss Niall until his smiling and giggling against his lips but its not a perfect world and he cant do that andd all he can do is ask "You ok?" 

And in a perfect world Niall would probably say what was wrong, but this isn't a perfect world and all Zayn gets is an "I'm fine" when its clearly obvious hes not ok.

Zayn improvises and takes him out to luch on his break instead.

But they're "lunch" ended up being a _lunchletshangoutohwaititsdinnertimeletshangoutmoreheysleepovertoo._

And when Niall's tucked in Zayns arms drowning in his sweatshirt because his apartment in like a fridge and Niall gets a little disapointed that the cold sharp metal doesn't get to make contact with his pale attacked wrists, but then he looks at Zayn's cute little vulnerable face as he sleeps and thinks that going on without cutting for a day (maybe even two or three he tells himself) is ok as long as hes in Zayns giant hoodies and his arms hes ok.

Niall's practically his roomate by the time two months have passed up because Zayn will say "Hey wanna grab lunch?" and sometimes Niall will ask too and then Niall ends up in Zayns oversized hoodie curled in his side like a little kitten. And then Niall thinks hes doing well and he hasnt cut for two weeks and hes doing pretty ok.

-x-

Niall relapses once the two weeks are up. 

His day was the worst and most stressful so far and Niall really really wants to release his stress and add new angry lines to his arms and legs and sides and he wants to scream but he can't and hes freaking out.

It starts in the morning when Zayn's in a shitty mood and snaps at Niall, and Niall knows that he must be getting in Zayn's hair since hes living there now. So Niall lets that pass with a "Sorry, Z. I'll get out of your way next time. Sorry," But then Zayn snaps again and when he snaps one time, the second is even worse. Niall didn't even see Zayn or his cup of coffee and the coffee spills on the carpet that Zayn just got done and he spits out "My fucking god you piece of shit, watch out. Look what you've done" And Niall totally blanks out the rest and just walks out the door and wipes his tears (Zayn's just in a bad mood youre ok he says to himself)

Then a coustomer gives him a hard time and so does Louis and he feels so worthless right now and he has to leave early because hes going to literally burst if he stays there any longer.

He slams the bathroom door (pasing the note Zayn gave him saying how sorry he is and that hell explain why he was upset and how he loves him and not to worry and that he'll bring his favorite takeout for lunch at the coffee shop with a little smiley and two little X's) and hastily looks behind the cabinet door for his exacto knife and he feels more calm. He brings it to his skin, once, twice, three times, four, five, six, seven, then hes done it so many times he feels dizzy and numb and a lot better and maybe a little happy even.

He doesn't know that Zayn was worried and looking for him and ran home and was in the house, calling his name walking toward the bathroom.

He is so into the red colors swimming in the sink that he doesn't realize the door has been opened and that there a gasp and a sob and a soft, shaky "Ni?"

Zayn immediately takes the blade, and Niall tries to take it back and he doesn't know that he gashed the inside of Zayns hand because he doesn't see him, he doesn't feel anything, his eyes are empty his mind is numb, he is numb.

Zayn takes the blade, throwing it in the toilet and yells Niall's name.

Thats when Niall starts to notice things.

He notices how badly he cut his wrists, he notices blood all over the counter and the swirls of it in the sink as it mixed with the running water, and notices the pain.

And then he notices Zayn.

He notices poor, poor Zayn on the closed toilet seat, crying and sobbing and hiccuping and saying "My god, I've should've noticed this, why am I so stupid"

Then it hits him. And it hits him hard.

Zayn caught him. And Zayn's crying and hes crying _hard_. And Zayn never cries, he doesn't show emotion. 

Niall hugs Zayn in an awkward sort of way, because his wrists are still bleeding and Zayn doesn't even acknowledge him, he doesn't hear the ten plus "I'm so sorry" and the kisses on the head, he just keeps his face in his hands and sobs.

Once Zayn calms down, he shuts down in a sort of way, his eyes aren't amber with specks of gold and dark brown and light, theyre dull and sad and blank. And his mouth is in a straight thin line and his face is blank and hes really pale and he doesnt look sad or mad or anything, he literally looks blank.

And when he gets up and out of Niall's grasp he mumbles a "Lets bandage these up, yeah?" but his voice sounds hollow and almost like a robot and theres no damn feeling in it and that makes Niall cry.

While Zayn bandages up his arms, he notices all the scars that take up both his arms and tears fall and he sniffles a little, but he doesn't even wipe his tears as they hit Nialls pant leg, and Niall even goes to wipe the tears with his thumb, but Zayn winces as if Niall had hit him and shakes his head, using his fist to wipe them away instead.

Zayn falls apart when he thinks Niall's asleep. He sobs into his pillow and grabs onto the sheets and curls up into a ball and this goes on for the whole night. Even when Niall uses the bathroom, he can tell Zayn's trying so hard for Niall not to notice him crying and Niall vision gets cloudy and he wants to hold him so bad.

Niall goes again to the bathroom to clean up the mess and find all his blades to throw away and Zayn runs in and looks at him with those eyes and Niall shivers because theyre so dead and it scares him. 

Zayn touches him as if hes made of glass that he just glued back together and is placing on a high shelf, he takes the box away from Niall and thats when Niall notices the gash on his hand and goes to touch it and Zayn backs away as if his touch is a burning flame.

"Are you o-"

"Just go to bed, I'll clean this up"

Niall shivers at his voice and how forced and robotic it sounds.

"Bu-"

"Please, thats all I ask, just please go to bed," Zayn pleads, voice wavering.

"How did that happen?" Niall asks as he stops at the doorway.

"You wouldn't let me take it from you" Zayn sighs shakily, "Now go to bed please"

Niall can hear Zayn rustling around and his sniffles and what  he assumes are his blades going down the toilet.

Zayn goes back to his original position of laying in a ball and crying softly. And when Niall wakes up, hes just laying there with dead hollow eyes. And when he kisses him on the forehead and mumbles. "I'll be at work ok? I'll bring you some tea when I get home"  All Zayn can do is blink a few times.

When Niall gets home, he finds Zayn asleep, so he sets the tea down and walks to the living room. 

-x-

Niall does the same routine literally every morning for about two weeks, he wakes up to find Zayn awake, he sighes and gets ready for work, kisses Zayn on the forehead, promising to come home right after with tea and whatever food he can get because Zayn doesn't cook anymore and hes gotten really skinny to the point where the tip of his shoulder sticks out and it makes Nialls chest ache and when he comes home, Zayn's asleep.

Until this time, he comes home to find Zayn in the bathroom, in the corner and in a ball and sobs and cries and pleads for Niall to come back to him are ripping out of his body and his heart and Niall almost drops everything and quickly sets the tea and food down and runs to the bathroom. 

Zayn looks up wide eyed and gets up and tackles Niall in a hug and his breaths are jagged and hes holding onto Niall so tight and hes mumbling "I thought you left, I thought you were gone"

Warmth rushes into Niall's body and fires up his heart and his lungs and his mind and his soul and he melts into Zayn and says back "I'd never leave you, ever ever ever"

And Zayn looks back up at Niall and his eyes aren't as dead and hollow as they used to be and maybe hes getting better.

But then Zayn kisses him.

Its soft and gentle and it says "I'm sorry" and "I love you" and Zayn's kissing him like his lips are made of glass and hes hesitant and a little nervous and Niall finds it so cute and he kisses him back with equal softness and passion and love and everything hes got. Niall's hands go to Zayns soft undone hair and Zayns softly running his fingers up and down Niall's sides. Then theres Zayn's hesitant tongue and Niall's totally ok with that and Zayn tastes like tea and niccotine and Niall could kiss him all day. And then Zayn's slowly biting his lip and sucking on it and Niall can't help the little noise he makes and then hes got Zayn _smiling and giggling_ against his lips and Niall's smiling and he feels like hes won the lottery.

Then the only thing Niall can focus on are his eyes because theyre glowing brighter than hes ever seen and hes glad that Zayn snapped out of it and so he kisses him again and again and again until theyre lips hurt and theyre breathless and laughing and smiling and Zayns back.

"My mom commited suicide" Zayn says when they're in bed and Niall looks up from where his head is in his neck and now he knows why Zayn flipped out like that "I think I had a blue spell, sorry about that, I-" Niall shut him up with a kiss and mumbled "Its fine, Z. Don't worry"

"I'm still trying to get passed it you know? The day I found you was the year anniversary I found my mom in the bathroom," Zayn stops himself and takes a deep breath.

And Nial doesn't know what to do so he just holds him tightly and assures him that he'll be there and that they'll get through it all together and he kisses him slowly until Zayn's sighing in content and falling asleep in the kiss and holding onto Niall a  little too tight but Niall is ok with that.

-x-

"What do you want for christmas, Z?" Niall askes into Zayns chest as he tangles their bare limbs and drags his fingers up Zayn's spine, causing goosebumps to follow his lead.

"I just want you to be clean"

"But I have been for 2 years now," Niall furrows his brows and lifts his wrists even though Zayn cant see them in the pitch black room.

"Yes, I know sweetheart," Zayn mumbles in his inner arm and kisses up and down his arm until Niall's complaining that it tickles.

"I'm proud of you you know," Zayn kissed his nose and Niall hummed.

"Love you" Niall mumbled

"Love you more" Zayn mumbled in mid yawn

"But I love you most"

Niall's glad that he didn't let Zayn down on Christmas morning, or any morning after that.


End file.
